I’ve seen countless ads and articles on parenting websites, in Facebook groups, and even on bulletin boards at our local library touting the magic formula to get kids to listen or to help parents stop yelling. Many of the “tips and tricks” have a singular goal: to change a child’s behavior. What if we looked at things a little differently? What if, instead of immediately trying to change our child’s behavior, we were able to pause to notice our thoughts and feelings and move to a place of curiosity? What if we asked ourselves what the child’s behavior might be telling us? Could a mindfulness practice help us to pause and consider how to respond?
Wait, Remind Me, What is Mindfulness Again?
Mindfulness is being aware of our thoughts, feelings, body sensations, behaviors, and the environment in the present moment without judgment. Some people choose to practice being aware by meditating. Meditation can take many different forms. One can sit on the floor or in a chair, lie down, or stand. There is walking meditation, eating, and even some yoga practices are considered a form of meditation. There are several types of meditation; most people begin with focused meditation. By establishing a daily mindfulness practice, one can begin, in just a matter of weeks, to notice the ability to pause between stimulus and response.
What does that look like? When your partner or child behaves in a way that upsets you, you may begin to notice your resistance and pause to decide how to respond with awareness rather than with a knee-jerk reaction, like yelling. Maybe even a first, smaller step would be just noticing your reaction as it’s happening or just after yelling (making a repair afterwards, once you are regulated) and then with more time and practice, finding the pause.
What mindfulness is not. Being a mindful parent does not mean we don’t speak up or just allow for our children to make a mess, not contribute, or be disrespectful. It isn’t acquiescing to our children’s behaviors. We can still share our dislike for their behavior. The difference would be that we would have an awareness around why we feel discomfort or unpleasant feelings, what our needs might be, and maybe can even come up with a request (in a way that is appropriate depending on the age of the child/ren) that is much more likely to be received by our child and create a sense of openness or willingness of their participation or understanding.
Rather than responding to discomfort with resistance or a reaction, mindfulness can offer us the spaciousness and ability to choose to be curious. With curiosity, we can investigate or connect with what is happening inside ourselves and the other person so that we can gain clarity around what may be causing them to choose an undesirable or unskilled behavior. Curiosity allows us to gain the clarity necessary for offering empathy and, hopefully, understanding one another. By understanding what may be happening inside ourselves and the other person, we can create connection and clearly communicate what we desire.
Mindfulness Can Support Us to Slow Down and Gain Awareness
Let me start by painting a picture that may be familiar to you. You come home from work or your child comes home from school and as you walk through the door you trip over a pair of their shoes, head inside to find backpacks on the floor, maybe wrappers on the kitchen table or things from the fridge left out on the counter, and your kids are sitting on the couch reading a book, watching TV, or playing a video game. Or maybe you asked your child to put away their clean folded laundry and you notice it’s still sitting in the basket a day or two later. You walk over to them, or maybe even shout from the other room, “Why are these shoes on the floor in front of the door, I just tripped on them!” or “I have asked you 3 times to put your laundry away and it’s still in the basket in our living room!” Can you relate?
What if you had a mindfulness practice? How might it look differently? With mindfulness, we can be aware, in the present moment, of our body sensations, thoughts, feelings, and the environment. We might check in with ourselves, internally, by noticing how we feel in our bodies (maybe there is tension in your upper back or shoulders or your jaw is clenched), by hearing the thoughts that come up “Again?! Why won’t they listen? All they care about is themselves,” and by connecting with our feelings (anger, sadness, loneliness, fear.) A mindfulness practice builds your ability to pause between stimulus and response, meaning you can pause before yelling and gain awareness in the present moment in order to choose a response. If our habit is to yell, mindfulness (along with knowledge and understanding of the current state of our nervous system) allows us to get clear about what is happening in our bodies in order to choose a different way to effectively share our feelings and needs.
Mindfulness of Our Nervous System in the Moment
Yelling is an unskillful attempt at meeting our needs, just as whining or throwing a tantrum might be for a child. I sometimes realize that I am throwing an adult tantrum, which is a sign that I am under-resourced. If I find myself wanting to stomp my feet or I’m clenching my jaw, I use my mindfulness to become aware of the state of my nervous system. I see my behavior as a mindfulness bell (my behavior calls me back to the present moment) and, when possible, I pause and take the time to check in with my body sensations, thoughts, and feelings to get in touch with my needs and the state of my nervous system.
Why is it that I’m wanting to stomp my feet? Am I looking for a way to get someone’s attention? Do I have frustrated energy that I am wanting to transfer out of my body in order to root down into the ground? Am I currently experiencing something unresolved from when I was 4 years old and my nervous system is responding to the current situation, as if it is the past?
Am I clenching my jaw because I have something to say but I’m holding it back because it is not kind or is coming from a place of anger? If so, can I go somewhere to be with my anger and take good care of it? Once I have connected with my feelings, I can get clear about what I am needing, what my anger is trying to tell me, and if necessary, take action, with awareness, presence, and clarity.
By pausing and going inward to check in with myself, I can get in touch with what my needs are rather than reacting with a phrase that comes easily out of habit or maybe it’s a phrase that I heard as a child and it comes up out of stored consciousness. By connecting internally, I can get clear about what I’m needing: order, safety, contribution, peace, and ease. Once I am calm and coming from a place of care and kindness, I can share this with the other person. Considering whether I’m talking to my partner or my younger child, the conversation could look differently.
I Have a Mindfulness Practice, Why am I Still Yelling?
Mindfulness practice is called a practice because it is just that, something we are doing to practice being aware and present of our body sensations, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and the environment in the present moment without judgment so that when we are in a challenging situation or become activated, we have choice with how we respond. Just as we are not aiming for perfection with our mindfulness practice, we are not aiming for perfection with our parenting. When we are fully resourced, we have more spaciousness and are more likely to have the ability to pause and see the opportunity to respond with integrity, aware of the intention of our speech. When we are unable to take time for self-care or are experiencing a lot of stress, we might find ourselves under-resourced; we might react without giving any thought to what we’re about to say. A knee-jerk reaction may have pain or fear behind it, causing us to speak in a way that causes harm to the other person, passing the negative energy or pain along to someone else without any awareness. When we are mindful, we are able to speak from a place of love and kindness.
It is understandable that with all the stress we are experiencing as parents, we are not able to sustain our mindfulness throughout each and every moment of the day. I’m not implying it’s okay to be harmful with our words, but I am recognizing that we are all human and when we are under-resourced it is harder to stay in alignment with our values and speak with integrity, especially if that is in our stored consciousness from our own childhood. I have heard some people state that they no longer yell and that mindfulness is their tool to completely stop yelling. With time and a lot of practice, it may be possible, but I try to avoid absolutes like “never” as it sounds like someone striving for perfection. I prefer to say that mindfulness helps you to reduce the frequency of yelling; the more we practice and find time to take care of ourselves, the less likely we are to yell. The more we are in touch and aware of our current nervous system state, the more we are able to recognize when we need to pause and get space, go inward, and take care of our feelings until we are clear of what’s happening inside us and what needs are present.
For those times when we are under-resourced, we can offer ourselves compassion and trust that our family will be okay. It is just as important that our children see our imperfections and witness our mistakes. This will allow them to forgive themselves when they are not able to “keep it together.” It is in these moments, that we can decide to take care of ourselves, get clear about what happened in the moment when we yelled or “lost it,” and come back to our partner or child to share what was going on for us and repair the rupture in the relationship.
Mindfulness is a Tool to Support Awareness and Dysregulation
Mindfulness alone may not be the cure-all, rather a tool to support you on your journey, as a parent or caregiver, to reduce, or perhaps even stop, yelling. Along with awareness of your nervous system and acknowledgment of any childhood trauma, a mindfulness practice can be supportive in developing a pause between stimulus and response. Before you “lose it” with your family, your mindfulness practice can offer you the spaciousness and clarity necessary to pause and choose to interact from a place of awareness and curiosity, supporting you to communicate with clear intentions, love, and understanding.
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